Once in a lifetime…

23 November 2023

For each blog that I have posted till date, I have (without fail!) received a reply that said, “Read through it, liked it too. But your English is too heavy for me. I have marked some words and phrases. Come over and explain them whenever possible, so I can enjoy your blog better!”

While with each attempt, I do try to work this feedback into my writing, I have always looked forward to receiving it nevertheless. Because it simply means one more instance to bond over with the sender of this message – for this little exchange meant sharing of opinions, feelings, constructive criticism and the chance to once again indulge in perhaps what we have always done the best, have a conversation!

This time though, while I apprehensively type this blog out after such a long silence, I know the feedback won’t come. Not now. Not on the blogs that will follow.

So I almost give up writing this very first one.

And even before the dust has settled on this thought, her voice sounds clear in my head – “Never give up doing what you love best!” So I persevere, writing this blog not just FOR her, but also ABOUT her.

28 September 2023 – a mid week holiday, a rainy afternoon, a slightly drowsy vibe in the air, a conversation with my father keeping me alert and my grandmother dozing off just a few metres away.

It was an almost perfect afternoon. Only one thing was all wrong in this entire set up. With each breath that my grandmother took that particular day, we did not realise that she was slowly getting ready to leave us.

Through the variety of literature I have wormed my way over the years, I have always expected Death to announce its arrival with thunder and lightning. That afternoon, we had the special effects on point. Yet it was surreal how silently it crept up on us.

One moment, there she was – my grandmother – just like every day. And the next moment, gone was she – to be never interacted with again. Not even pausing long enough to say a simple Goodbye as she departed on her faraway journey, all alone.

The literature I have read had also prepared me for time to stand still in the face of such a moment. Yet the one thing that stood out even while the realization hit, was how the clock refused to slow down, let alone stop. It ticked consistently, even as the world as I knew it, came crashing down around me. Things stopped making sense, all felt lost but the clock diligently counted the minutes ahead.

I remember standing there, being fully aware of what had just occurred yet being baffled of what was to come next. She was right there, had always been there since the day I was born. So how could it be that she wasn’t there anymore? My forever had become a never ever within the span of a single breath that was taken, and then not.

In that moment, it felt like no amount of tears would ever fill up this void that she instantly left in her wake. Yet grief is a funny thing. The healing followed almost immediately through the million smiles that I found in all of her memories. All my life, I have always associated happiness with my grandmother – and here she has remained, staying true to her word even in her absence.

I have grown up, taking it for granted that she is JUST my grandmother. A relationship defined at birth and ruled by love. Yet all my life, I only had to land up in front of her – and she brought to surface that aspect of her which I needed the most in that moment.

The keeper of my secrets

The eager ear to my experiences

The shoulder to cry on in the light of my heartbreaks

The sounding board to my flashes of inspiration

The pen pal through all my foreign exchange stays

The willing student to all my language teaching experiments

The study buddy to revise all my concepts with

The “paper discusser” at the end of each exam (right from my KG days to my Masters in Linguistics!)

The voracious vocabulary games addict who I shared this love with

The relentless trainer who introduced me to a variety of sports (be it badminton across the hall, or table tennis on the dining table, or carrom on lazy afternoons, or card games to keep my brain alert!)

The book club member who sincerely read and shared opinions on each book I recommended her

The ‘dial – a – pizza’ partner who ordered me to put all healthy food on hold the minute my parents were out of the house for a vacation

The kindest critic who gave me a lashing on all my bad choices without ever making me feel guilty about them

The personal cheerleader who always made me feel I was born to achieve greater things

The gel that brought and held people together, making the house always feel alive and full

The enthusiastic “HeLLO” with that special syllabic emphasis as a response to my “Aaaaji” that came by default upon walking through the door

The sight for sore eyes for she was the first face I have always looked out for upon entering the house

The home I have come home to – always, for I have never known any, otherwise!

While I grapple daily with this new routine that does not physically include her, I am caught between wanting to feel grateful for the years that I spent with her and realistically being greedy for just one more day with her.

I have 32 long years of daily memories with her. But then again, 32 years is hardly long enough…!

To my Ajji.

My once – in – a – lifetime, for they don’t make them like her anymore… ♥