25 March 2023
Rarely has a train of thought troubled me as long as this particular one has. Back in November 2022, I attended a friend’s anniversary party. Now this was someone who was my closest friend, has been for years – and yet as I interacted with the other guests, I realised there was a lot about her that I didn’t know. For instance, I didn’t know she was a huge A. R. Rehman fan. A small detail perhaps, but something you’d expect to know when that person has been your “best friend” since you guys were 3 years old!
As I came home from that party, this niggling thought laid its roots for the first time in my mind – what does it really mean, when you say you ‘know’ a person? But it was literally just her song preferences that caught me off guard, and so I didn’t really dig into these thoughts.
Cut to March 2023. I attended another close friend’s birthday party. Now this was someone I have known since childhood too – and while the surprise party was meant for him, what caught ME more by surprise was the fact that despite knowing him for so long, not a single person there, was known to me. That’s when the thought resurfaced : Do I really know him?
For when we did a round of introductions, every single friend present there said “I have known him since….” How casually we used the word ‘know”! While it was one of the most interesting social gatherings I had been to, I came back home wondering once again – what does it really mean, when you declare you have ‘known’ a person for so long?
Can you categorise knowing someone based on the number of years you have stayed in touch? Or would you say you know someone depending on how much you interact every day? Or would you be able to say you really know someone once you’ve indulged in way too many deep conversations about life and death and everything in between, than necessarily healthy?
And can it be, that even after all of this, you can still NOT know a person?
What really triggered these multitude of questions was the fact that during the party, all 10 – 12 of us were talking to and about the same person, and not one element overlapped. I marvelled at the fact that I have been friends with this person for over two decades, and yet there were so many aspects to his personality that I had never experienced. That goes to say that there have been a lot of conversations that we’ve shared over the years too, that no one else could relate to. So while I wondered how come I never knew which brand of alcohol he preferred or which latest tourist destination he had been to, I also revelled in the fact that I knew about his low days, his hiring struggles, his little successes at work and in life!
That party also made me wonder if my friends would experience something similar, were I to get all of them under the same roof. While I would like to think all my friends know all my friends (at least by name!), I also think they pretty much know the same person in me. And yet, this thought brings to mind an instance from 2012 when I was at the receiving end of a surprise party myself. While it warmed my heart to see all my loved ones right there, I noticed one friend rather silent throughout. When asked what the matter was, he looked me in the eye and said, “It is weird – you know – the fact that so many people know you just the way I do. And that is a little discomforting, if I must be honest!”
While sharing these observations with a friend from a completely different phase of my life, we got to discussing the Ship of Theseus theory : If all the elements of an object are replaced, does it ultimately remain the same object?
Can the same be said about a person? If the situations a person faces through life keep changing him bit by bit, until everything about him changes, is it the same person? Sure – the person still looks the same, maybe even dresses and talks the same – but can you say it is the same person you have ‘known’?
When I talk to some of my oldest friends in their lowest times, I often quote : “I know you can get through this, I know you have it in you because I have known you over the years…” Today though, I think – is it the memory of that person that I quote to having known, or do I really know this renewed person I am talking to?
Personally I relate the number of years I have known someone to how well I know that person. And yet, I cannot deny that I have indeed experienced that you can really get to know the ins and outs of someone within just a few months of interacting with the person…and you can also not know how someone would react in a certain situation despite having known that person for absolute years!
And so while this started off as a blog to quieten my confusion, I don’t think I have found my answer. I don’t believe there is an answer – at least not one as simple as a Yes or a No. But I hope this blog, my thoughts spark off interesting conversations over this question, with all those that I “know” – and that we get to “know” each other better through what we share 🙂