As a child, I never knew what the word ‘alone’ meant. It was a luxury, constantly having someone around, to keep a watch on me but far more importantly, to keep me company. Having another person around, no matter who that may be, means that you will always have a fall – back option. Someone to talk to, someone who will listen to you or even someone who will share an experience with you. Family and friends kept me busy, and I never really gave a thought to what being entirely on my own would feel like.
But today, for the first time in my life perhaps, I opted for a day when I was nothing but alone. Alone, not lonely. For the past few years, every single day – especially Sundays – seem to revolve around the clock and its endless ticking. It was merely an attempt to gain the most out of each day, and not let minutes simply fly past me. Slowly but surely though, this endless race with and against time begins to take its toll. You frown a little more, relax a little less. Your body and mind both walk around with gained weight. They weigh you down, and the heaviness begins to feel impossible to shirk off.
That’s been my story till date. No complaints, and yet no compliments either. Suddenly faced with the situation of living on my own for 3 weeks, I initially balked at the idea. From the time I got married, whenever such a need arose, I struggled extra hard to fill in my waking hours with work or friends. There was a desperate attempt to not face being alone in the house, simply because I feared I would not be able to cope up with it. It simply saw me working late hours or entertaining friends way past bedtime. If I could, I would have probably begged them to stay the night and not leave me alone for a minute. When it got too much, I used to head to my maternal home and bunk there. Makes sense, right?
But this time round, something within me rebelled. Why was I so scared to enjoy my own company? Was I afraid I might not be as interesting to myself as I usually am to others? The idea struck me hard, and shook me up. I hadn’t tried, and I couldn’t really know whether my own company sufficed until I tried, right? So today was an experiment. To be on my own, from the time the sun filtered through the window to wake me, until the moonlight watched me fall asleep.
I was relying on my love for a Sunday morning snooze to make things easier. The later I awoke, the less number of hours in the day I would have to keep myself busy. As luck may have it, the sun reported to duty at 6.30 am…and there I was, wide awake in a bed fast heating up due to the sunlight falling upon it. So here is what I did – picked up the newspaper, snuggled back in to the bed and read each article of each supplement for the next 2.5 hours. When I finally looked up, it was not to see what the time was but to go get myself some breakfast. After a long time, I cooked myself a leisurely breakfast and then headed out for some absolutely essential household chores.
Back in record time, I found myself the time to simply ‘stand and stare’ out of the window. The building had come alive with the sounds of children playing, adults socialising and birds chirping in the background. And there I was, a silent witness to it all. It is funny how when I had so much time on my hands today, not once did I think of the number of chores I could have finished up. Today was supposed to be about me, and I was determined to make it so.
Which is why I headed out, bought myself some new clothes and picked up some treats just because. Did I need anything of it? No. And yet it felt nice, me giving myself company.
So good did it feel that I hardly realised when the evening crept up on me. A sudden insecurity caught hold of me for a while then, with my hand fluttering over the mobile phone, wondering if I should just seek out some company. But a lilting breeze made me think otherwise. There I was, leaning against the balcony railing, feeling the breeze wash over me and remind me of how beautiful solitude can be. I was lost in a reverie, as I watched the sky change its hues, birds make their way home, butterflies flit over the flowers, and lizards enjoy their meals on the house walls. Not once did I get “bored”; not once did I feel “lonely”.
The mosquitoes sent me running inside eventually, but the day wasn’t over just yet. I decided to treat myself further to one of my favourite meals. And so here I am, eating and documenting a day that turned out to be almost perfect.
For it has been a day that showed me I could be alone and love it. It has been an experience that I do not share with anyone else, and thus cherish it far more. It has been a growing – up of sorts, for I know now that I will never again be scared to be alone.
